some time when I was not looking, I morphed into a bad person.

i think i do things i shouldn't just because i want to feel something

it's sort of like the social stigma version of cutting, i guess.

"self-destructive" behavior simply because i can't comprehend...

or don't care...

what i'm doing.

I am so dumb. I am SO DUMB!!!!

The point of things...
the point of friends and relationships ahd shit, it's not to bind or break or change or structure.
It doesn't have a purpose. It doesn't have a reason. It doesn't need definition! Love is not a contract, it's a feeling!

Some things don't need to be thought about. Some things just ARE.

The reason we talk to people, make friends, fall in love?

It's FUN.

And all this time I was playing games. And all this time, I was playing fucking chess.

Yes, life is a game, but it's the game you play when you're a little child.

Life isn't chess, it's AIRPLANE! It's MAKE-BELIEVE! It's running in a cirlce in a grassy field on a warm day solely for the purpose of making your skirt billow out!

Life is LIFE!

Sometimes, hugs are better than any shit that can happen in a day.
Like, I don't get any breakfast, and then my brother accuses me of doing drugs and shit and we fight, then my art teacher yells at me, and I probably failed a test in AP Chem, and then Jesse shows up all prostitute-smelly-like, and I don't get to eat any lunch at all, and I'm like, augh this is a sucky day.

And then Weck shows up. And there are hugs. And everything is...fine.

So today was a fucking great day. :)

why am i not in vienna WHY am i NOT IN VIENNA?

but I wouldn't take back much of it.
It's kinda a little bit really uncool...
and it's a really dumb thing to lose a friend over.

I'm just sayin'...I know you care, and I'm glad that you do.
But I don't like when people talk trash about my friends.
I'd do the same if your positions were reversed.
Please...

I care about my friends.
And I know some of my friends might not get along with others. And that's okay. And I understand some of my friends might have some...complaints...about others. That's all right as well. But please.
DO NOT FUCKING BITCH ABOUT MY FRIENDS.
ESPECIALLY WHILE THEY ARE IN EARSHOT.
That hurts ME.
I would like to manage my relationships myself, and if anyone thinks I've made a bad decision or that someone is dangerous, well, that's their right to think so. But it IS NOT their right to try to break up a friendship for my "own good".
I can defend myself pretty well, you'd be surprised, and it takes a lot to genuinely creep me out.

So lay off.
And for fuck's sake, WHAT is creepy about giving someone gloves?
Really?

keep that drama away.
I am tired and cranky and upset and depressed and amused and pissed and in pain and slightly hysterical, so this is going to be blunt.

I just came back from being cold, wet and stinking like lake, and none of the shit that I was going to complain about even matters anymore.

Because after an entire week of being motherfucking ordered to stop caring about someone, and a few nights ago being physically fucking detained from talking to that person "for my own good",

Yes, to top off seven days of swallowing ultimatums and childish "I won't be your friend anymore"s that hurt me more than he ever could have,
After I had to GROW A SPINE, I realise

He kissed me Thursday, ignored me Thursday night, Friday, Friday night, Friday evening when I was at the game and in fact very covenient to talk to. And he VERY ignored me today, and I understood

as he turned the corner too quick and ran down the stairs, pretending not to have seen me there,
that karma is a bitch.

So do not give me shit.

I offer a shaking hand
the only sign
from a back-burner girl
whose heart is too high
and I feel in my throat
piano-wire tight
that the truth always hurts
on the way up.

If she says yes and I say no
it's simple as current, electrons move along
the path of least resistance

I carry scars from wounds I never suffered
but who remember the incision so well

afraid of everything
who backs away
when she wants to step closer
but what right
does she have, being
a substitute, to assume
that when she is no longer needed
she would not be cast aside
as the reality has so many more dimensions
than her poor immitation can offer
and who's to say that
the clay figurine hadn't been jealous of the real girl
since the fourth grade
for no reason
before she realized their difference
before she could justify
her inadequacy
and before she realized her fate
which was to always be a someone-else
to fill the in-between moments
and maybe that clay girl
has a world of paper dolls
where the others are replacements for her
where it's the others who are disposable
and maybe that clay girl
keeps them folded in the pages of a library book
because she can't act out the stories anymore
without it flashing like a neon sign in her mind:
IF ONLY.